The Hindsight of Motherhood: 5 Lessons I’ve Learned from Looking Back

May 16, 2016May 16, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ Leave a comment

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We realized we were done having babies. Our youngest was almost five when I watched some men load up our crib and changing table into the back of a pickup truck. They drove away, carrying all my original plans with them. We’d always said we wanted three or four kids.

That night, I had a good cry and some good wine, and let go of my expectations. We counted our blessings. We had two amazing kids who daily taught us life lessons of love and faith and perseverance.

It was almost exactly one year later that I found out Abby was on her way.

We never expected a six-year age difference between our youngest kids. We would have never planned it that way. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I have definitely discovered some major benefits of having our last baby so much later.

1. Everything is more relaxed.
With our first two babies, schedule was king and every hour of our day was dictated. I found that I was homebound most of the time due to naptimes, playtimes, and mealtimes. Now that I’m older and wiser, I know I have the power to create flexibility. Also, I’ve seen the other side of the mountain. I’ve lived to see that truly, one day they really will sleep. Or be out of diapers. Or be able to face forward in the car. Or whatever my current frustration is. I know it’s just the briefest of moments in the grand scheme of things.

2. Going along with #1, I’m not as rigid in my thinking or expectations.
There is freedom in knowing that I don’t know it all. And it’s okay that I don’t know it all. I don’t think I even want to know it all. Each kid is so unique and one method will work beautifully for one and not at all for another. I’ve actually saved myself quite a few headaches in approaching baby #3 as a blank slate. We’re learning what works best for us together.

3. Kids are stinkin’ resilient.
In my early days of motherhood, I was completely convinced I was screwing up so badly that my kids would never recover. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, you name it. Now that I’ve been mothering for almost a decade, I’ve learned that my kids are just awesome in spite of me. God is on His throne and my stupid mistakes in parenting are not going to thwart His plans for my babies. I just have to show up every day and do the best I can and He’s got it covered.

4. It really does take a village.
I once worried almost daily about each kid getting his or her “share” of me. I just knew for sure that I was failing at fully meeting any one of my children’s needs. Guess what? I was. One human being cannot be the ultimate meeter of needs for any other human being. We are not created that way. We have to delegate. I always thought the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” was all about the kid, but it’s just as much about the village. It’s a beautiful, mutually beneficial balance.

5. If parenting is hard then you’re doing it right.
I’m planning a whole separate post just on this point. Parenting is hard. Sometimes it hurts. There are countless, priceless, golden moments scattered like diamonds throughout this parenting journey. There are also moments when you feel like banging your head against the wall because you’ve doled out the same consequences for the same offenses over and over. It takes a lot of work to be consistent. It’s frustrating and exhausting. If it were easy, you’d be doing it wrong.

What hindsight would you add? Share in the comments!

Community Is the Best Gift We Can Give Ourselves

May 9, 2016October 18, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ Leave a comment

I am so thrilled to have a post up on The Huffington Post today! Here is a preview of my post and I hope you’ll click through and join me to read the remainder of my story!

When I was a little girl, I was fascinated by the story of Cinderella.

Here was this girl who had a rough go of it but she worked hard and followed all the rules and her life turned out happily ever after. She made it seem so easy. As a teenager, I assumed if I worked hard and followed all the rules, my life should turn out happily ever after, too. Makes total sense, right?

(I know, I know. Quit laughing.)

These days, when the dishes and the laundry are piled up and there’s some unidentifiable stain on my clothes and I have to think really hard to remember if I brushed my teeth this morning, I want to throw something at Cinderella. Seriously. Even during her floor-scrubbing days, she looked perfectly lovely and was always ready to try on new shoes.

*Most days, I feel like the laundry is going to eat me alive.*

I think Mommy Groups can be a lot like Cinderella.

When I walked into my first MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group, I was such a mess. I felt like I was failing at just about every aspect of my life. Just that morning, I yelled at my kids, snapped at my husband, and the dishes from last night’s fairly unhealthy convenience meal were still in the sink.

The ladies I met that Wednesday were very welcoming and sweet, but I honestly considered never going back.

They were all so put together. They had real clothes on. They smelled nice. It sounded like their families were perfect. Being there in the presence of these moms, I was forced to let go of the idea I’d been clinging to that no mom was perfect and no one had it all together. Because these women obviously did.

They were just like Cinderella.

To continue reading, please join me at The Huffington Post! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/community-is-the-best-gift-we-can-give-ourselves_us_5730cb33e4b046ff51c0e292

Lessons from the Middle of the Night

May 6, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ Leave a comment

“Babe. Wake up.” I shook my husband’s shoulder as he lay sleeping peacefully. “JAKE! Seriously! Get up! We have a gas leak!”

I was sitting straight up in bed staring at the ceiling and walls of our bedroom as they swirled before my eyes. My husband finally rolled over, still half asleep, and looked at me with concern. “Ashley. We don’t even have gas. You’re hallucinating.”

Hmm. That might explain the purple bunny I thought I saw hopping down the hall.

I was five weeks into my second round of motherhood and apparently not handling the sleep deprivation especially well. The two-year-old and the baby seemed to work together as a team to keep us hopping all night. Hooray for sibling bonding!

Fast-forward through seven years of glorious sleep, and despite not growing the third arm I was convinced was necessary for a third baby, we have a precious new lamb. She is nine months old and a firm believer that sleep is for slackers. So while my husband is working night shifts at the hospital, I’m working the night shift at home. Despite the occasional vibrating eyeballs, there have (mercifully) been no more hallucinations.

With or without purple bunnies, I have been learning quite a bit during these countless sleepless nights.

I’d love for you to click through to join us over at The Glorious Table to continue reading about the important life lessons that can be learned in the middle of the night. http://theglorioustable.com/2016/05/lessons-from-the-middle-of-the-night/

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The Joy of the Lord

April 21, 2016April 22, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ 2 Comments

We were getting ready for a dinner party but ended up in the emergency room. I was six weeks pregnant and an ultrasound confirmed my fears. There was no heartbeat.

This was the first loop of the roller coaster.

Two days later, I followed up with my doctor. There was another silent and still ultrasound. There were tears. There were a lot of labs drawn. There was a brief glimmer of hope in the doctor wanting to wait before making a final treatment plan.

More loops in the roller coaster.

And this is where we were on the day my husband and I were to head out of town on a very rare getaway to see Rend Collective in concert.

I packed my overnight bag in a daze. We had been so looking forward to this trip. They are one of our very favorite bands and we’d already bought the tickets. Even though we were emotionally exhausted, we decided to make the best of it.

The entire four hour drive was spent waiting on pins and needles for the nurse to call with my lab results. I called her twice with no success.

Finally, as we were pulling into the parking lot, the phone rang. The labs were inconclusive.

I walked into the concert not knowing if my baby was alive.

Hindsight is a precious gift. At the time, I could not wrap my mind or heart around what was happening and the timing of it all.

But now I know the lesson God wanted to teach me that night. And His timing provided the best way to learn.

The concert was not a show. Not at all. It was a night of worship. And, if I’m honest, I was not in the best emotional place for that.

But God is on His throne and the Holy Spirit is not deterred by emotions. The Lord ministered to my heart and I could not help but worship the Creator.

My Creator. My baby’s Creator. I knew I had to trust God in His plans. No matter what the outcome might be.

There was peace. Such peace. And there was joy. Which seems so improbable. But the joy of the Lord is not situational.

God was merciful to us and the following week showed a strong heartbeat and a growing babe. We named her Abigail (“the Father’s joy”) and we’ll be celebrating her first birthday in just ten days.

God’s divine timing had us in the right place at the right moment to truly learn about the joy of the Lord. In spite of our emotions, we worshipped with abandon and chose to glorify Him no matter what. We got a chance to deeply experience the peace that passes all understanding.

Tomorrow night, we are getting a chance to worship with Rend Collective again and I am so looking forward to it. Our life has been less dramatic lately but still tough.

The icky things of daily life pile up one after another and it’s hard to shovel through when you’re not sleeping.

I’ve just been so worn.

I’ve found that sometimes a strong faith comes easier in the dramatic valleys of life than it does during the long hot trudges through life’s deserts.

Thankfully, the joy of the Lord is not based on my spiritual geography.

I’m looking forward to celebrating Him tomorrow night.

On the Need for Community

April 15, 2016April 15, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ Leave a comment

on the need for community

Over Spring Break, I got a chance to sit out on the back porch of my parents’ house. They live in the quiet countryside of north Florida, surrounded by pine forest.

All throughout the day, the only noise is ours. Someone puttering in the kitchen. Someone else calling the dogs back in. Laughter and playing and the occasional argument between the kids.

But at nighttime, the woods come alive with a loud symphony of sound. Sitting on the back porch, with the frogs and crickets and birds all shouting their songs, God reminded me of something.

Each individual creature is tiny and fragile. On its own, it could be overlooked and not noticed. It could be forgotten, easily stepped on or quickly dismissed as insignificant.

But together? When they come together to raise their voices? It’s a choir that can be heard for miles. It will not be ignored.

The same can be true for us.

Individually, we feel fragile. But together, we are strong.

We are made for community.

I recently had the privilege of witnessing this firsthand.

Jennie Allen, a popular Christian speaker and author, was alone in a hotel room, trying to finish a book and realized her own need for community. With no real expectations, she tossed out a link for a Facebook group.

As of this writing, in the week since its birth, “Our Village” currently has 4,983 members.

Almost 5,000 people. Mostly women. Who immediately felt the need in their own hearts to connect and jumped in.

In the last week, I have seen hundreds and hundreds of posts. They mostly sound a bit like the one I wrote in my head and never posted:

Hey everyone. I wasn’t going to introduce myself because there are just so many people to know but I thought I might as well go for it. I’m so-and-so from somewhere. I’m a wife/mother/friend/sister/daughter/teacher. I’m glad to be a part of this group because _________.

And where that ________ is? Insert any one of five thousand incredible, unique, God-given stories. A story that might not have been told because there are so many stories that have already been shared.

And we tend to feel like our voice and our story isn’t as needed or as exciting or as important as the others.

But we are made for community.

We need to hear each others’ stories. And we need our stories to be heard. God made us that way.

For every reluctant introduction, the need to be known finally outweighed the fear of being overlooked. The need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves was stronger than the fear of rejection.

Strangers.

But strangers who are now a part of something bigger than themselves.

I have seen women jump to congratulate and cheer on successes. I have seen women humble themselves and bravely tell their truths once held hidden. I have seen women shower grace upon grace.

Strangers no more.

Sisters.

In community.

And again I’m reminded of the frogs, the crickets, and the birds. Each one a tiny creature. One small part of a much larger whole.

But together, we are strong.

We are made for community.

But What About Saturday? Finding Hope in the Wait

March 24, 2016March 25, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ 6 Comments

Mom Confession:
Easter week has completely caught me by surprise this year. My ~~excuses~~ reasons: (1) We are on Round Two of strep throat in the last month. That would be six cases of strep in the last four weeks. That’s 120 doses of antibiotics. (2) We are on Jake’s eleventy billionth shift in a row. (3) Each kid has had a different school project. (4) Full moon. (5) No sleep. (6) First Easter away from family and our regular traditions. (7) General loss of mind.

So in a last ditch effort to reclaim some of the holiness of Holy Week, I spent some time talking with the kids about the days ahead.

We covered it all. Maundy Thursday, when Jesus and his disciples shared the Last Supper and Jesus was arrested. Good Friday and all of the events of that sad day when Jesus died on the cross. Then Resurrection Sunday when Jesus conquered death and rose from the grave.

“But, Mom? What about Saturday? What happened that day?”

My daughter’s question took me by surprise. I guess I had never really thought much about Saturday. We tend to skip over Saturday. “Jesus died on the cross and on the third day was raised from the dead.” Growing up in Sunday School and Bible School and Youth Group, it became rote. Just as 1+1=2, it was too often more like “Jesusdiedonthecrossandonthethirddaywasraisedfromthedead. Time for pizza!”

But Grace’s question got me thinking about what the followers of Jesus must have been feeling on that Saturday.

They had sold out completely for Jesus. He was Messiah. This was the real deal. Jesus was The One sent to save the Jews in what they most likely anticipated to be a dramatic and triumphant fashion.

They had literally up and walked away from their lives as they knew it to live on the fringes of polite society. But it was worth it because everything was on track for them to have a front row seat to history. And as they came into Jerusalem, they must have been riding high as the people celebrated Jesus. I can only imagine the adrenaline and jubilation.

How quickly it all changed.

In a matter of days, their hero who was here to deliver Israel, the one who held all their hopes, was arrested, mocked, tortured, and killed.

And on that Friday, the sun set on all of their expectations.

On Saturday, the sun rose. Life went on even though the story they thought God was writing was dead.

Can you imagine how long Saturday felt?

They had watched hope die on a cross. Their faith, so strong just days before, now broken and bloodied and lying lifeless in a borrowed tomb.

I take Saturday for granted. I say it all in one breath, “Jesus died and rose on the third day.” As if it were just the blink of an eye.

But even in the most important work in the history of ever, there is waiting.

There’s a day in between. A long, dark Saturday when all seems lost. When it feels like we’re completely on our own. When it all seems to be unravelling. When all we can do is look around a world of confused faces and wonder, “What now?”

Thank God he doesn’t leave us there in that place of loss and confusion. When we’re floundering somewhere in the middle pages of our story, he is not surprised at the twists and turns in our lives. He knows every page.

The Author knows how our story ends. He knows the stone gets rolled away. Darkness is defeated. Love wins.

In the craziness of this world today, it often feels like we’re living in the tension of a lifetime of perpetual Saturdays. When our expectations of how our story is supposed to go have been shattered, we’re looking around a room and wondering, “What now?” We’re feeling abandoned.

Oh, friends. Hold on.

It is a cold and dark Saturday right now. But Sunday is coming!

What About Saturday blog

Dear New Autism Mama

March 14, 2016December 3, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ Leave a comment

Dear New Autism Mama,

You’ve never met me, but I think we might know each other a little. If you come sit next to me for a bit, you’ll find we have something in common.

You see, I’ve been there.

It probably started with a funny feeling. I know that feeling. It almost feels like a little flip of your tummy. That odd feeling leads to questions that you’re not quite ready to ask out loud just yet. And you worry if you give a voice to your fears, they might become real.

When you finally found the courage to release those fears you once guarded and protected, you might have found they were disregarded, belittled even. You might have been told you’re overreacting. You might have heard you’re paranoid. Attention-seeking. He’ll outgrow it. He just needs discipline. We’ve heard it all, haven’t we?

Then you probably entered No Man’s Land. That frustratingly long time between the first tug on your mommy’s instinct until you have an answer. For me, this was the worst part. You now know you’re a part of something different, but you’re not completely sure just what it might be. You do a lot of soul-searching. You do a lot of research. You consume every book and article you can get your hands on. You begin to see your sweet baby in a new light. No, he hasn’t changed. But his whole life will flash before your eyes. You’ll begin to get acquainted with the idea. You’ll want to reach out to people who get it. You’ll want to hear their stories and tell yours. But you won’t have an exact answer yet. You might feel like you need a membership card that you haven’t been given yet…

To read more of this open letter or to share it with a friend who might need to hear she’s not alone, please click through to visit Chronically Whole! I am honored to be sharing some words over there today. http://chronicallywhole.com/606-2/

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Parenting in the Fire Swamp

February 12, 2016February 12, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ Leave a comment

My sweet precious lamb of a 9-month-old has yet to sleep much in her lifetime. Which recently gave me the opportunity to reflect on the last time we were in the throes of sleep deprivation and general insanity. I remembered this post I wrote a few years ago and decided to bring it over. It is like my 2013 experienced mom self was writing directly to my 2016 new mom self. =)

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From Stinker Babies ~ January 28, 2013

The other night, Jake and I were flipping through the channels hoping to find something on TV that did not involve mighty math powers or latch-key bunnies. (Seriously, where are the adults in Max & Ruby?)

I squealed when we came across one of the greatest movies in the history of mankind.

The Princess Bride.

Buttercup had just tossed Wesley down the hill and we were already reciting the lines right along with them.

As the two lovebirds bravely headed off into the fire swamp, I had the most incredible epiphany.

Parenting is like the fire swamp. The fire swamp is parenting. Mind = blown.

All the ups and downs of sleepless nights and diaper explosions and teething and potty training and the Terrible Twos and Traumatic Threes and Frustrating Fours and…okay, you get the picture.

“It’s not that bad. Well, I’m not saying I’d like to build a summer home here but the trees are actually quite lovely.”

We make it through the days of packing up the entire house to run to the grocery store. We survive the sleep deprivation. We celebrate the end of potty training. And after a bit, we look back and we see the loveliness of the trees.

But just when we’ve mastered one phase, a new challenge is on the horizon. Eventually, we’ll realize we’ve learned and grown. We’ll hear the pops that precede a flame spurt and know how to avoid the fire.

“Well, one thing I will say. The fire swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory.”

There will be days, though, when we find ourselves feeling defeated and discouraged. Maybe we might even find ourselves having a day when we’re sobbing on the kitchen floor.

“We’ll never succeed. We may as well die here.”

Even though Buttercup is a bit of a drama queen, that attitude is sometimes familiar. But! We can’t give up. We can do it! Think about all the challenges we’ve faced. Think of all the ways we’ve learned and grown. We are growing daily as we’re molded and shaped by our experiences.

“No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt. No problem. There’s a popping sound preceding each. We can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that, too.”

I know what you’re thinking.

What about the R.O.U.S.s?

That’s why we have each other. In parenting, it is so extremely important to have some sort of community. We’ve got each other’s backs. We can do this together!

Together, we can make it through this fire swamp. And one day? (Maybe even many years from now.) But, one day, we’ll look back on the “terrors” of the fire swamp and our first thought will be, “How lovely were the trees.”

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What I Told My Kids About Politics

January 29, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ Leave a comment

blog kids politics Presidential Primary Season is in full swing and ‘tis the season for awkward moments around the dinner table, cringe worthy conversations with coworkers, and jaw dropping Facebook rants. It has become impossible to shield myself from it and now I’m realizing just how much my kids are picking up on all of this.

A few weeks ago, my son came to me and asked why our President is such a bad man. I was floored. I dug a little deeper and it turned out he had been quietly listening to a conversation between extended family members. My heart broke a little bit but it allowed a great conversation with both of my children as they experience the first presidential election season they will remember.

The remainder of this post is what I told my children and I’m sharing it because it’s helpful for me to read my own words as I struggle to find peace with this upcoming election.

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Being the President of the United States is one of the hardest jobs in the world. The President deserves respect, no matter who the person is. When someone is the President, he or she has to make hard choices every single day. And no matter what the President decides, someone will disagree and be upset. We respect the President because that person is the President.

When it’s time to choose a new President, it’s up to us to know as much as we can about every single person who wants the job. No one is perfect because we are all human. Most likely, you will never see a candidate who will think the same exact way as you do about all the things that are important to you. So we have to decide what we think are the most important things and work really hard to find the person who agrees with us on the most things.

Now. Because we are Christians, we want to follow Jesus. The Bible tells us that God is sovereign in all things and it also says we should pray for our leaders. So the most important thing we can do before an election, as people who love Jesus, is to pray for God to place just the right leaders in office. Then we make sure we show up, no matter how busy that Tuesday is, and we vote. It’s an honor and a privilege to help decide who is in charge of our nation.

Here’s the tricky part, guys. Once the votes are cast and the election is over, the person chosen might not be the person we wanted to win. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to be sad. But if we truly believe that God is sovereign, then we have to accept the outcome and continue to pray for our leaders as the Bible tells us. For us to be disrespectful, hateful, or mean towards the new President is a lot like us telling God that He messed up and we know better. It doesn’t matter if we think the President is making mistakes. It doesn’t matter if we think the President is doing a poor job. We will show respect to our leaders, we will continue to pray for them, and we will continue to show up when it’s time to vote.

You Don’t Need a Perfect House to Make a Perfect Home

January 25, 2016March 14, 2016 ~ Ashley ~ 1 Comment

It’s not much to look at from the outside. The paint is faded, the driveway is cracked, and the garden is dead (again). But if you come inside with me, I think you’ll see much more than a tired little house.

Watch your step as you come in. My husband carried me through this doorway when we bought this place ten years ago. We were still newlyweds, fresh-faced with bright eyes, and we were ready to conquer the world.

If you walk down the hall and peek into the first room on the left, you’ll see the walls we spent hours preparing for our first baby. I must have sampled eight different shades of sky blue to find just the right one. The shade tree and flower garden murals are the products of aching arms and full hearts as we dreamed of a sweet new life.

Throw open the window there, and you’ll see the hydrangeas lining the fence. I can’t believe how big they’ve grown. Every year, I look forward to their cheerful blue and purple blossoms. We fill our house with summer when we bring them in, as many as we can carry. Every household object becomes a potential vase.

Across the hall are the shower tiles that held me up one cold Sunday morning when my beautiful, feisty Mamaw went home to glory. She fought an all-out street brawl against cancer, and did so with classy southern grace. My heart has never known such a deep ache as when I had to wake up in a world without her in it.

In the backyard is the playground we inherited when another family’s kids left childhood behind. With tears in their eyes, they set it up for our toddler son and told us to cherish the memories we were sure to make. We made our first memory there when we plopped Caleb on the swing and told him he was going to be a big brother…

To read more about what I learned from saying goodbye to our first home where so much life happened, click through to The Glorious Table.

http://theglorioustable.com/2016/01/you-dont-need-a-perfect-house-to-make-a-perfect-home/

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